Sunday, December 12, 2010
How to kill a Lion in Banking Style ;-)
How to kill a lion in Banking Style.......
Good comparative story....
HSBC Method :
Hire a lion. Give him full rest & make him lazy, Pay him more than his expectation, Never tell him to do any work upto six months, and after six months tell him that now you have to fulfill your yearly target within six months otherwise u will be kicked out from jungle. Lion dies due to fear, that if he looses this lazy animal’s jungle where he will go.
Hire a lion. Give him hell a lot of work and pay him lower salary than his politically astute peers. Restructure his job, position, boss, colleagues, designation, department, salary, and location every 6 months. Remove all lions above 40 from the organization by giving them VRS. If he kills 2 goats a day, give him target of killing 20 elephants a day, when there are just 10 elephants in the jungle. Lion dies of exhaustion, overkill and restructuring.
Hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat. Give him lots of ESOPs and grass to eat. He will die eventually of hope and starvation.
Hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 90% he will lose the job. Ask him to extract 60 kg meat out of a 40kg goat. Lion dies of the strain.
ABN AMRO Method:
Hire the lion. Give him high impossible targets and expect a premature delivery of these targets. If the targets are delivered, clap for him in a town hall. But if did not deliver, humiliate him regularly. Lion either dies of excitement or starts behaving like Tom Hanks in Terminal.
Standard Chartered method:
Hire a lion; motivate him to outshine other lions in the jungle. Load him with impractical targets and if he finds the prey, ensure jackals in the jungle snatch the prey and the lion dies in oblivion......
Kotak Method :
Hire a lion, load him with targets to focus on value instead of volume. Every quarter change the style and make his life miserable. If he survives in the system reward him with a hefty bonus.
Hire a lion and give him a 3000 page circular on how to kill a goat. Amend the circular atleast three times a day. Send him on inspection to the jungle, where he can threaten to cancel the hunting licence of any fox, wolf, bear, jackal etc who have violated any provision of the 3000 page circular. Lion dies of boredom.
Recruit a lion, give him the power of a mouse. Lion dies of over expectation and no results.............
Recruit a lion, Give him posting among cats. People call him manager but he is actually a clerk. Expect to work as an all rounder. Lion dies in frustration or escapes to another jungle.
This is what really happens with employees in banking sector.. Sad but true.
Written by Bijoy Momaya